Neurodivergent Joy: A Diagnosis

This story begins with a diagnosis. It feels like I'm starting the story in the middle because I've known that I was autistic before I had it confirmed. I recieved it last tuesday after talking to a kind and passionate doctor with big glasses. A diagnosis can be a lengthy and expensive process and I have spent the last six months wondering if it will all be worth it.

Autism Spectrum Disorder is a neurological condition that affects the way people think feel and communicate. In my opinion this difference comes from processing so much. That's why we are sensitive to sensory details and like having routines.

I never gave myself the permission to be myself when I was self-diagnosed. I felt that if others did not believe me, then I did not have the right to own who I am proudly. When people question who we are and say that autism is diagnosed too often, it dosent make it go away. Denial is not a "cure", it silences us. It sucks for neurodivergent people but it also sucks for neurotypicals who could learn a lot from out authenticity.

Self diagnosis is for many the only option because a formal diagnosis is expensive and hard to get. Many autistic people do extensive research rather than watching one video and deciding they are autistic.

If I had a penny for the amount of times I was called special because of my neurological difference I would have a cup of pennies(not that they are particularly useful). I am not special. I'm just like the rest of you, sorry to dissapoint (even if I act and think differently). I just exist, and that's all I ever want to do. I have felt this pressure weighing on my chest every where I go to keep myself together.

I asked my dad over the summer for a diagnosis, it took me some convincing but I had an argument ready and prepared. I wanted help in school and I wanted to stop being in a sate of fight of flight. Fast forward, the Doctor lady told me that I had autism and adhd. I think by last week it was obvious to about everyone. I love autism and talking about it and thinking about it and making theories about it. I felt so restless that day, after working so hard for a diagnosis all my doubts lifted away and I felt like I could run a marathon and like I couldn't move at the same time.

I told my dad first. He is a much older replica of me and his allergies were so bad he couldn't stop coughing. We went to my third favorite cafe and ordered the best cinnamon buns in vancouver. The shop is loud and rustic. It smells like sugar and coffee. I told my dad that I would choose his drink based on my diagnosis. I would have chosen mine but I always have a small matcha latte. I ordered green tea under the name Car (mine is apparently too long and hard to spell) and brought it to him. He congradualtes me and we move on.

The fact that I have autism just exists, it also affects every moment and every day and accepting this part of me saved my life. That's probably why it's my special interest. I imagine a long line of autistic ancestors healing becasue the cycle of being undiagnosed is broken. I can't imagine what they had gone through growing up while not knowing why they were different. But with a diagnosis under my belt I feel inspired to speak out and find resources that can improve my quality of life like coaching and searching for the beauty in a neurodivergent path.